he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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