I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
