You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
