i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
What a dumb baby whore.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
