I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
