I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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