I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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