I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
