My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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