I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
