Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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