I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
