i think my tv is drunk
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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