stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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