I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
