I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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