i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
