I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
