i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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