Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
