there's paper in my vomit.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
