Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
