i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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