just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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