This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
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you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
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All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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