sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
