champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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