whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
