im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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