a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
