I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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