my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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