I met the friendliest cop last night
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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