Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
