I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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