You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
