Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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