Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My balls are so social today.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
