You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
