if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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