3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
