Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
