what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
