i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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