and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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