yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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