the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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