1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
