Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
