My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
