dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I didn't notice because vodka
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
