I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I forget how to act sober
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