That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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