Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
