My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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