I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
