I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
