god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
