so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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