no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
