What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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