How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
