Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
