Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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