so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
